Pippin's Awesome Conclusions
by NTSFroes
Summary: One lady to rule them all. One lady to find them. One lady to bring them all and in darkness bind them. Warning: stupid sort of humor. Somewhat follows the movie. Rated T but I don't really know this stuff.


**Lord of the Rings? Yeah, I own one exemplar. But that's the farthest it goes, sorry.**

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One might think Pippin doesn't think about the things. That he didn't even have an idea of what they were doing (of course, he didn't pay that much attention to the meeting so he was not _sure_ where they were going, ok? It didn't _have_ to be Mordor, necessarily. They had mentioned many other places. They spoke about The Shire and about Gondor and about a whole lot of other names that probably meant places.). Of course, that is not true, and very unfair with our friend Pippin. But as he didn't want to pass as that much of a fool, he spent a whole lot of time wondering on their mission, the Ring and stuff like that. Of course the clever-minded reader might know already that this came up as not good at all.

To make things worse, Pippin decided he had come to an awesome conclusion. And because of that he couldn't hold it back any longer. One of the times they camped, while it hadn't been two weeks of walking with the Fellowship, and everyone sat around the campfire, he decided it was a good moment to voice his mind. Doom, doom, doom.

"Isn't this Sauron guy a very charming person?" He blurted out.

Everybody stopped whatever they were doing to stare at him. Some of them glared, some of them seemed to think 'yep, this guy is crazy' and some of them, Gandalf being one of the greatest exponents for that matter, seemed to be just thinking 'oh no, this fool again'.

"No, I'm pretty sure he is not charming at all," said Strider, and the rest of the Fellowship seemed to be with him.

"I mean, Sauron is pretty much the Ring, right? And everyone keeps fighting over it. They call it precious and can only think of him… And yet the bearer suffers doesn't he?" He eyed Frodo for a confirmation. Frodo looked at him blankly because there was nothing else he could do in such a situation. Pippin decided to take that as a yes. "So, to want so much to be around someone even if it makes you suffer, this person must be really nice. But Sauron doesn't seem nice to me, with all that evil lord talk. So he must at least be charming."

Gandalf tried to come up with an argument that would take down Pippin with his gibberish talking, but there were so few logical things in Pipin's logic he couldn't. So he just sighed and decided not to say anything. Even so, he tried to silently warn Aragorn he should do something about it. Unhappily Aragorn was very focused on Pippin, brows furrowed and completely oblivious to the wizard.

"What brings me to the next point. Is Sauron a girl or just gay?"

Almost everyone burst out laughing at that. Only Legolas, who seemed on the verge of tears already because of those horrid things the Halfling said, Frodo, who seemed lost between looking at Pipin or the Ring and Gandalf, who just blinked in that 'what?' way of blinking.

"Why do you ask that?" It was Aragorn, as soon as he could stop laughing and control himself, which made that question.

"Well, all the bearers were guys, weren't they?" He started counting in his fingers "First there was Strider's familiar there, then the Golum slash Smeagol creature, then Bilbo, then Frodo. I don't know, I'd just feel uncomfortable if a guy kept smoothing me like that." He gestured to Frodo that had indeed been smoothing the Ring and now just hid it and blushed in a self-conscious manner.

Now even the blunter members of the Fellowship seemed disturbed, and Boromir mumbled something intelligible. Gimli had to - very against his will - pat the Elf's shoulder because he had the same face a kid would have when having The Talk with its parents.

"And what about the big flaming eye? That is Sauron too, right?" Asked Merry that seemed the least disturbed one, maybe because he was used to talking to Pipin and his insanity.

"Well, yes, I thought about that too. Boromir said the Ring was more like a weapon of some sort, but I don't really think so. It does nothing besides getting one invisible. I mean, why is that useful for a Dark Lord? Did Sauron sneak out of Mordor to stalk people unseen? And because of that, I decided that the Eye is just his way to keep stalking people even though he can't go around to wherever he wants anymore since he is an inanimate object," Pippin said it all in a very proficient way. He was sad he didn't have glasses on because if he had, he'd have straightened it in a smart fashion. "And Gandalf said he had put his will to rule everything on the ring. That seems a very womanly thinking, ruling everything."

All the other members of the Fellowship had to agree on the last statement, being a bunch of males with not a single woman in the group. No, my dears, Legolas didn't count. He is an elf, not a woman! Keep that difference clear in your mind!

Worse of all, the other things he said were starting to make sense to some of them.

Gandalf could sense it. He had to put an end to that madness.

"So, the ring is Sauron's essence, and a very charming woman. That means Sauron is a Lady!"

"Fool of a Took! Nothing of that makes any sense! Go to sleep before I force you into doing it!" He made a meaningful gesture with that staff of his.

Oh, but Gandalf didn't stop Pipin in time. He had already infected the other walkers with that mentality.

That night, Legolas didn't sleep well. He kept having elvish nightmares. Actually, he didn't sleep well for weeks and got dark bags under his beautiful eyes he'd be forever blackmailed on.

Gimli decided to keep an eye open for those Hobbits from now on. They could have a nice height but that didn't keep them from being very dangerous beings. That's probably one of the reasons the poor guy never took off that heavy armor of his.

Merry decided to always check if Pippin wasn't eating anything weird that would make him hallucinate. He threw the mushrooms they were carrying along since that day on the Shire away, because it was obviously confusing even more that poor head.

Sam decided to be very cautious of the treacherous Ring, so it wouldn't do anything to Mr. Frodo. 'That corrupted little… Samwise, stop thinking such foul expletives!' Or something like that.

Aragorn decided everything was very well. Since he loved Arwen there was no way that thing could influence him. He was so happy he wasn't going to do anything influenced on his blood linage on that matter. Oh yes, that was reassuring. He went to sleep mumbling some song related to Luthien and slept perfectly well.

Gandalf created some new technology that came very in handy to the whole Middle Earth afterwards. He used it to keep Pipin's mouth shut but it seemed useful to everything. He called it duct tape. Probably if Sauron had invented that one instead of the blasted little object that started this conversation he could have conquered the world. Well, Gandalf didn't have such dark plans… Yet.

Boromir wrote a lengthy letter to his father on why he wasn't going to take the Ring to Gondor with him. It was a masterpiece, really. Brilliant. He should become a writer. Therefore, Boromir started a compilation of tales he would think about while they walked and put down on the paper when they camped. Maybe those notebooks Faramir insisted he took with him weren't useless after all.

Frodo was now very uneasy with the Ring. He didn't want to touch it. Every time he felt the cold metal against his skin he would think of some perverted scary dark queen lady trying to seduce him and shivered and almost ran in despair. THIS. WAS. NOT. NICE.

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Mount Doom.

Frodo was standing in the edge of that platform, with a river of fire flowing under him.

"Throw it! Now!" Sam yelled to him that and something else, but he wasn't really listening to it anymore.

"SHHHHHHHH" made the Ring. It seemed to be pleading for its life.

'No, the Ring is mine.' He felt the words surging for his mouth. He would take it from its chain and stare at Sam, that would mutter 'No. No, Mr. Frodo!' and put it in his finger with a wicked smile very uncharacteristic of a Hobbit.

He blinked.

"WHAT THE HELL, WOMAN!"

And threw it with all his strength into the fire.

Freaking scary, really. Women were wicked. He was never getting married, of that he was decided.

"MY PRECIOUSSSSSSSS-!" Gollum jumped past Frodo and into the fire, trying to rescue the golden object and just ending up being consumed by mount Doom too.

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Pippin smiled silently in his corner. He was the best and he knew it.

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**A.N.: In my defense, no, I don't think Legolas to be like that. You were warned this was stupid humor. This was not meant to offend anyone.**

**Review, pretty pretty please? And please have some pity if you're going to criticize, first fic ever here.**


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